Waste Not

(TIM and ANDREA at home. TIM is chipping at the lock on an old briefcase with a screwdriver. ANDREA is trying very hard to ignore him.)

ANDREA: Will you just leave that bloody thing alone.

(TIM ignores her.)

ANDREA: You said you weren’t going to do stuff like this anymore.

TIM: Don’t start that again!

ANDREA: What d’you think’s gonna be in there any way? The Holy Grail? The Fountain of Youth? Tim?

TIM: I need a case, don I.

ANDREA: You are a case.

(No answer.)

ANDREA: You could go out an buy one like everyone else.

TIM: I’ve got this one.

ANDREA: You can’t even get it open.

TIM: It’ll come, don’ worry.

ANDREA: You’ll break the lock.

TIM: I’ll get a new ‘un. Be cheaper n’ a new case.

ANDREA: Why don’t you splash out, eh? Get a brand new one wi’ a working lock and everything. I’ll take you down the town tomorrow.

TIM: I’ve got this ‘un.

ANDREA: It’s falling apart.

TIM: The lock still works.

ANDREA: Five minutes. Five minutes my arse!

TIM: It’s tougher than it looks.

ANDREA: It’ll belong to someone. They’ll be looking for it. You’ll get trouble.

TIM: I won’t. No-one wants it. ‘Cept me.

ANDREA: No-one wants you. You’ll be good company.

(TIM goes back to his lock. ANDREA starts singing “Second Hand Rose” at him. He ignores her.)

TIM: I’ll get it open. Then you’ll see.

(A week earlier. ANDREA and TIM dressed for walking in the country. ANDREA is more enthusiastic than TIM.)

ANDREA: Come on, Tim. Keep up.

(He keeps sauntering.)

ANDREA: You said you wanted to come. It’s good exercise. Blow the cobwebs out, loosen up the bones.

TIM: I’m here aren’t I?

ANDREA: What’re you looking for? Tim?

TIM: Nothing.

ANDREA: Tim, you promised.

TIM: I’m not doing anything!

ANDREA: No more, you promised. Just for today.

TIM: I was just – admiring the view.

ANDREA: Yeah. Come on, Tim. Let’s just walk, eh? Down to the valley, maybe stop off for a cup of coffee and a cake. Like we used to?

TIM: We’ve got tea back home.

ANDREA: Come on, it’ll be nice.

TIM: What’s that?

ANDREA: What?

TIM: There in that bush. S’glinting.

ANDREA: I don’t know. Come on.

TIM: Hang on. Could be something good.

ANDREA: If it was any good, it wouldn’t be sitting in a bush, would it. Now come on.

TIM: Bloody hell.

ANDREA: Tim!

TIM: It’s a briefcase. I need a new briefcase. Stroke of luck, eh?

ANDREA: You put that back right now. You promised. No more!

TIM: How often d’you find something like this. Good nick, lock looks tough.

ANDREA: You are not bringing that home. Now leave it!

TIM: Andi . . .

ANDREA: No. I’m not having you bringing more junk into the house. I’m sick of it. You bring that and it’s the end. You hear me? Tim?

TIM: Five minutes with a screwdriver an’ I’ll have that open. Just you see.

ANDREA: Tim!

(TIM lying in his coffin. ANDREA standing over him. The MAN standing next to her.)

ANDREA: I said it’d be the death of him. I thought I’d kill him, but it’d be cuz of that.

MAN: I really am sorry.

ANDREA: It took all of his stuff with him, you know. Every last inch of his junk he’d scrounged.

MAN: Have you found somewhere else to stay yet? The MoD would be more than happy –

ANDREA: I’m wi’ my sister. We’ll be fine.

MAN: And there’s the matter of compensation . . .

ANDREA: No, you’ve done more than enough already.

MAN: Well, we’ll let the lawyers talk it over.

ANDREA: He wouldn’t like the coffin.

MAN: Oh, I’m sorry. We should have –

ANDREA: No, it’s lovely. He wouldn’t’ve liked it, that’s all. Brand new. He would’ve wanted you to dig up someone else’s and use that. Never liked brand new.

MAN: Ah.

ANDREA: They did a marvellous job on him. I didn’t think they’d be able to have open casket.

MAN: They’re very talented people.

ANDREA: Hmm.

MAN: I don’t want to push you, but we were wondering –

ANDREA: Yes?

MAN: Have you remembered where exactly you found the case? We’ll need to search for any others.

ANDREA: No, the peaks somewhere.

MAN: Well, if you do.

ANDREA: It’s all a bit strange, isn’t it.

MAN: I’m afraid it happens more than you’d think. The KGB left thousands of survival kits for their agents all across England. And if you don’t know the right way to open them . . .

ANDREA: Boom.

MAN: Ah, yes. Boom.

ANDREA: Do you know what his last words were?

MAN: I don’t think you said.

ANDREA: “I told you I’d get it open”.

MAN: Ah.

ANDREA: Have you eaten?

MAN: Erm, no, actually not since breakfast.

ANDREA: Perhaps we could get something after the service?

MAN: Er, yes, okay.

ANDREA: Right. Come on, then.

MAN: Can I just say? I do like your dress.

ANDREA: Oh. Thank you. It’s new.